I recently became aware of mistruths and distorted information about me online made by my ex-wife. These accusatory, incendiary, defamatory posts were made during the Divorce process. Since that time, we divorced and she is now remarried. Today, we co-parent cooperatively. As such, I anticipate her postings will go down shortly. Meanwhile, this website is to clear the air.
My ex-wife accused me of cheating, despite me not having done so. Ironically, when my ex-wife and I first became involved, she was cheating on her husband--- still legally married to someone else.
The background/history...
At first, she wanted the divorce then it was clear that her position was shifting but at the same time it became clear, to me, that divorcing was the right move. Naturally, no doubt a certain amount of resentment rests, by her upon me. Due to a lack of effective communication and understanding, on both our parts, we were no longer bringing out our best nor meeting each others needs and wants.
ONLINE POSTS
Online group posting rules speak to not being judgmental, not going negative and yet these parties, despite not knowing me personally or having interacted with me much, if at all, so as to even understand me one iota, are opting to judge, go negative, get accusatory, and get hostile. The very things that most people claim to want to see less in the world, these people espouse. I refuse to do the same to them. I will not stoop to that level.
If/when I post in similar types of groups, I speak to truth and I have no place to judge them so I do not. It is not my place to judge or label others especially if I don't understand them.
When I look at what has been posted about me, I notice some recurring themes and, from my perspective, misunderstandings. Many of the comments seem to come from individuals I have never actually met. Their reactions are often centered on a website I created to explain who I am, what I’m looking for, and some of my own shortcomings. The purpose of that site was simply to outline some basic fundamentals to help determine whether there might be enough alignment even to consider a first date. People claim to appreciate those who know what they want but when someone wants something other than them, they go on the attack.
A few brief encounters led to strong online opinions that didn’t match the limited time we actually spent together. In some situations, important context about our conversations wasn’t shared, which made the online criticism feel one‑sided. I’m not sharing names or details here; my point is that what appears online isn’t always the full picture.
Below are some actual experiences I have had: One woman messaged me wanting to make out with me, despite no such history between us, and after feeling embarrassed, by her own admission, proceeded to get negative online. One woman who I did meet once, who texted to me "To reiterate - I agreed with most everything you have on the website! It's just the fact that it's presented as a website feels more like a rigid checklist versus a mutual conversation" was the same one who was trying to get money out of me for her companionship, yet she conveniently leaves out those parts of our text conversation only to attack me for what she claimed to appreciate about me. Being single is about being selective, to avoid future interactions with people like this. You should too-- no one, not you nor me, deserves to be treated like that.
I do not apologize for knowing who I am and what I want. Nor do I apologize for working hard to build a life for my family, my children, and the community as a whole in my charitable/volunteer pursuits. I'm flawed but I do the best I can to use positivity to help make the world a better place. Do you? If you are someone I went out with or did not match with, it is what it is and no attacking me is going to change anything, go out there and be happy, be kind, and find someone who brings out your best self... find someone who values you for you, because not everyone sees everyone elses value. Dating is hard enough, stressful enough. We don't need to make it less kind.
THE MARRIAGE
In terms of the marriage --- through the years, we were close partners, best friends, and supported each other. I supported her in many ways: I helped her through school, spent long stretches caring for our children so she could rest, and worked in a way that allowed her to take extended time after each child’s birth. And, she supported me in many ways: backing me when it came down to career changes, contributing to our collective survival during the recession, and was always there providing sound advice. Over time, especially through the pandemic and the challenges of raising young children, it became clear that our personalities, communication styles, and needs were no longer aligned. We often misunderstood each other in fundamental ways, and I accept responsibility for my part in that.
Here is what it was like...
Imagine not being allowed to have anyone over because the house was always considered a “mess,” even though the clutter was entirely the other person’s belongings. Wouldn’t you feel trapped and miserable?
Imagine seeing someone you care about looking overwhelmed and under a lot of stress, and gently wondering if some of what they were feeling might be psychosomatic - where stress can show up physically, like in headaches. The word landed badly, where the other person thought it meant they were crazy and as such, the conversation became tense, even though the intention was concern, not criticism. Months later, when we revisited the actual definition, the moment passed with a simple “oh,” with no acknowledgment or responsibility, from that other person, for how the other person reacted.
Imagine someone tells you they want a divorce but never actually files. Then they start talking about “taking things slow.” Over time, you realize that ending the marriage really is what’s best for everyone and now you want the divorce.
So you ask them to finish and file the paperwork, and ultimately it only gets done because you insisted. On paper they’re listed as the Petitioner, but that’s mostly for show. The reality behind it is a lot more complicated than the documents make it seem.
Imagine the relationship is over, you’re already living separately, but you’re still being told you’re not “allowed” to date until the divorce is officially finalized. That's coercive control. It’s easy to feel stuck and miserable in that kind of limbo.
Imagine being around someone one who would often flick the kids. Flick with her fingers, as a form of punishment. I vocalized against that, as abuse, however she still did it. And, she would leave our daughter in the bath tub all alone and our daughter would scream and cry. She had this cold look about her while our daughter would cry.
During the divorce, it appeared we were finally getting along. However, two nannies--including one I didn’t even get along with, submitted affidavits describing what my ex-wife shared with them, of her manipulations and the steps she took to cast me in a negative light for the Court, including and not limited to setting up situations behind the scenes and recording them. Fortunately, the Court saw through it. The judge ruled fairly regarding time with my Children, along with other findings that reflected the actual facts.
This is public record.
REFLECT
If someone wants to criticize me, do it for my real flaws, because I have them. I care about my reputation, and I won’t pretend to be perfect. I've made mistakes. After dates, I've asked for feedback and most don't give any so if I could learn, I'm not always given that opportunity but I have learned from what I do have to work with. Judge me for the things I’ve actually said or done, not for fabrications or distortions created by someone with an agenda.
Judge me for being blunt at times, for getting absorbed in work and stress, for not always expressing how I feel the right way, or for missing the mark when someone needed a specific kind of validation. I can own that.
I know I can be hard to read, and I know there were periods where work pressure pulled me off balance. In those moments, I unintentionally neglected relationships that mattered. And yes, there were times I could have communicated more clearly, more calmly, or more in tune with the other person.
I am not perfect, neither are you.
When the posts with mistruths and distorted information posts were published, the facts of the matter are:
Bottom line
Judge me by my real actions and actual interactions with you, not by assumptions, nor by other people who are not me. I extend you that same respect, and I expect it in return.
I will never argue if someone has a valid issue. I'm not perfect, neither are you. Another party and I might disagree but I'll respect their position.
Thank you for reading.
Posting accusations without context or truth has real consequences. Defamatory statements, personal attacks, and the disclosure of private information violate rights, harm reputation, and impact careers/lives and Children’s stability and safety.
That conduct also falls within the scope of harassment under CCP §527.6, can qualify as stalking under Penal Code §646.9, and constitutes coercive control under Family Code §6320. In other words, anyone posting such content becomes the legal aggressor.
Anonymity does not provide protection.
If you’ve been defamed, threatened, attacked, manipulated, or you suspect you’re in an unhealthy relationship, there are ways to recognize what’s happening as everyone’s situation is different, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. There are local and national resources staffed by trained, licensed professionals who can listen, support you, and help you identify what's going on and plan next steps. Please take care of yourself and reach out for help if you need it.